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Unreal

8/10/2019

How to accept your reality when ‘real’ seems so unreal?

On a mission

For a while now I have tried to accept my situation. Or to be more specific I have tried for the past 6 weeks. It’s 6 weeks ago I crashed, made a hole in my elbow and picked up a nasty infection. The skin healed quick, the wound took some weeks and for the last, still fighting. My immune system has been on a big mission. Actually, my body is still shipping out stones and pus of my scar. I try to joke about it - I mean my body is just weight optimizing, right?

But when stones etc. make it to the surface of my scar, I can’t help but feel pain inside of me. I say a lot of bad words to myself, feeling it so unfair. Why me? Why did I have to crash so unfortunate just before a big block of important races?
And it’s not like xco racing is forgiven. I mean I cannot hide. Let’s say I’m at 80% at the moment it’s like the difference of being 5th or 50th. It feels so strange out there. In every race I did, while my body has been fighting, I have pushed myself to the limit, just in Val di Sole my avg heart rate was 183 but I was still riding so slow, finishing 52. My body simply couldn’t do more.

But it makes sense, that if the immune system is busy, they don’t care much about repairing the muscles.

Pieces of information

Not that it’s a big surprise for me that I’m not racing fast at the moment. I have felt a big impact since the crash. Mostly on my ability to recover. But it makes sense, that if the immune system is busy, they don’t care much about repairing the muscles. So my recovery processes have been going really slow (still isn’t normal yet), which have had consequences for my racing/training. My body’s ability to respond to my training has simply been so low. And that doesn’t make a strong world cup racer…(Not that it’s that simple).

For sure there are more to it, but this is where I have felt the biggest impact. This empty, slow Malene, who I’m very unfamiliar with.
So why keep on racing, when you get smoked every weekend?
Good question ;-) I try to look at it as a big challenge, trying to get most out of each race and ride the best I can. Around the rock, over those roots, right corner, left corner… It’s not the same to race in the back end of the field, but that doesn’t have to change my moral. And every race I have done since my crash has given me pieces of information about my recovery process I wouldn’t have known without.

This long injury was definitely not what I had in mind when I crashed back then, I felt my season was just started and I was so motivated to continue on that wave. I thought it would take some weeks and then I would be back on form. But it has been so different, and I never thought an infection could impact me this much.

And of course, I’m scared that people think I’m weak or I’m giving up.

The plan is to line up on Sunday again, for the 6th round of the UCI Mountain Bike World Cup here in Lenzerheide. With the same mindset, just ride as good as possible from A to B. And if I feel more energy running in my muscles than last weekend, well, then it’s a success. I can’t really care about the number on the result list, I have to look at my own performance.

I rode up the rock garden in Val Di sole every lap fx, and after watching the replay I learned that many of the front girls made mistakes many times. That’s something to be proud of.
My mind is so ready to go, I got the skills and the will, but my body/health, which is one the most important part of racing, has just not been on the same level.

It’s not that easy tho. I wish it was. Because of course, I care about getting smoked every Sunday at the moment. And of course, I’m scared that people think I’m weak or I’m giving up. But the truth is, that when I’m out there racing my absolute best, while the leaders still are more than 10 minutes ahead of me, it's so difficult. It takes so much courage, bravery and will from me to finish the race. And afterwards to see all the small positive notes. It takes tears and bad nights, but I do it, and I have actually been pretty positive througthout this whole thing, that can’t be weakness. Riding my best while not caring about what others might think of this slow version of Malene, can’t be weakness.

I hope this unreal feeling of my reality will be over soon.
In my last post, after Les Gets, I said I wanted to make the upcoming weekends a staircase. Lenzerheide is step 3. I cross my fingers that it will be another step in the rigth direction. I feel it's me against the clock, season 19' is soon to be over.
And fyi I havn't accepted a slow Malene

xoxo
Malene

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Everything is temporary

7/22/2019

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Time heals everything, they say.
Time heals hearts.
Time heals minds.
Time heals wounds.
Bad times don’t last.

Rebuild

A synonym to heal is to rebuild. I’m not sure why, but I like that term more. There’s more positivity attached to the word rebuild. Building something sounds good. But what am I building? First I thought I was rebuilding my shape to compete in Les Gets. Then the week of Les Gets began and I wasn’t really ready to ‘compete’. I mean I was there. But actually competing? Not so much.

My mind was ready to go and I was full of fire, but it felt like my body and brain wasn’t on the same frequency. I had to admit that 2,5 week after my crash, or more relevant after an infection, I wasn’t ready to put down a hard effort as xc racing requires. I didn’t expect a strong race from myself, but I didn’t expect my body to be so empty and exhausted either. When I was out there I just wanted to finish both races (xcc + xco), chasing the finish line and nothing else.

What I do have is races. So I think I will start with that, and try to use it as my rebuilding.

After the race in Les Gets I took some days off to recharge and reset. I have rarely been so tired as I was after Les Gets. It was a big mouthful for my system. When I made it back to my apartment midweek I felt the energy starting to flow in my body again. What a good feeling after 3 weeks of some kind of strange fatigue state. What was I supposed to build now?
Fitness? Confidence? Skills? Trust? Experience? Was I supposed to recreate what was lost?
My training was planned to build up towards a weekend with tougher trainings. When the challenging workouts came I was a bit concerned, but to my relief, it went fairly all right. What a relief.

Can I rebuild myself again? The season is lacking towards its finishing half. Do I have time?
What I do have is races. So I think I will start with that, and try to use it as my rebuilding. This week I’m heading to the Czech Republic for the European Championship followed by two rounds of the UCI World Cup.

Including team-relays and Short-track, it’s 6 starts over the next 3 weeks. I hope I can make it 3 steps on a staircase. Seeing Europeans as my first step - I wanna feel the energy flow in my muscles again and I wanna feel good on my bike in the technical features.

Now when I think about it am not sure if I like the term rebuild so much anymore actually. Why re- everything? Recharge, reset, rebuild... Why not just build something new? Re- means again. I don’t wanna do it again

But everything is temporary, so it shouldn’t be a problem

/Malene

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To be resilient

7/6/2019

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Try to be resilient Malene. No, I have to be resilient.
Being resilient is defined by the ability withstand or recover quick from a difficult condition.
Be resilient Malene.

When you see things in the greater perspective, then 10 days off-schedule doesn’t seem too bad. But when you are living in those 10 days it can be pretty bad.

10 days before World Cup number 3 took off was a recovery day for me. I came spinning down a gravel road, it was 35 degrees and I was a bit tired. Training had been going really well since our National Championship, so there was an earned tiredness in my body. In front of me, I saw someone was working in the field and there were cars moving around. I remember looking at them and the next thing I feel is just the ruthless gravel road against my skin.

I had hit a hole in the gravel road, in that 1 second, I was looking away. One-second of paying attention to something else and then boom. It took me a little while to get up and get myself together. All the worst fears were ruining through my mind at that moment - how hurt am I? It definitely hurts, but? It was bleeding a lot from my elbow and I removed a rock from it. That didn’t really stop the bleeding… so I called Loic and told him to find me. “I’m on the gravel road close to the city…” Good luck Loic.
He found me, I got cleaned up and at the hospital, they stitched my elbow together.

Setbacks always give perspectives.

Recovery

I'm 22 now and I still turn 12 when I have to call my mor (mom) and tell her that I'm hurt. Like when I talk with the doctor I can keep it cool; 'yea, bit painful, can't really move but it's okay'. Then I hear my mum's voice and I'm just cracking like, 'mooaaar it's horrible, I'm so not okay'.
Wondering if I will ever grow too old for that, hah.

Anyways. The skin missing wasn't really a 'big' deal, even tho it was a big area and it did bring pain, the skin repair itself quite fast (the human body is pretty amazing). 7 days after this picture was taken I only had some light pink marks left. (I kept it 'wet' the whole time under covers, and it worked super well).
The elbow.. Was a bigger deal. An inflammation came doing the first 24 hours and I started on Antibiotics. It didn't evolve well, and I had no strength. So after 3 days, I got prescripted a new antibiotic with a bigger spectrum (=kills more enemies in the body). That was a game changer and my elbow started to get a normal colour, temperature and form. Halleluja.

Getting back to training

After 5 days laying on the sofa, it was time to feel the body on the bike again. I wasn't sick anymore - I don't know why but while my body was working on the infection it made me feel sick, so I stayed on that sofa, hah, maybe it knows me?
The short spin was so unpleasant. I had looked much forward for this moment and then it turned out to be so disappointing. Crap.
I called my team-manager and told him about my sensations on the bike. He gave me the idea to check the hr every morning to follow the response of my road back to training.
After a few days of short rides, my body started to feel normal again.

What a good feeling. Setbacks always give perspectives.
8 days post crashing, the only thing that hold me back and still does is the weakness of my elbow. Training on the tarmac is not a problem, but a little speed bump or something alike feel like a shock in the elbow.

The antibiotic definitely has an impact on my body and I am really cautious about everything I am doing. My training load, recovery, mood, food, hydration and so on. Trying to be honest with myself. How are you today Malene?
If I want to be resilient in this situation, I have to roll back the super-hero-I-can-do-everything feeling, I think.

Decision making

I do have that feeling, if you wonder. It's my 'I'm-a-strong-iiindeeeepeeendent-woman' feeling, haha. It comes in handy most of the time, but I can also shoot myself in the foot at times. So Malene, take it easy.
Easy to say - hard to do.

When I first crashed I didn't even think about missing the WC. I was just focused on healing as fast as possible.
But as the days went by I had to admit that I couldn't possible ride a World Cup when I couldn't even ride on tarmac without a lot of caution and pain.

One thing is to call the team and tell it. But another thing is to say it out loud and admit to yourself.

It might sound silly, but it's a little heartbreaking. I was so excited to ride in the colour of the danish flag on the awesome track in Andorra.
Not this year anyway.

Health over any race, always.

Moving forward

With the antibiotic 10-day cure coming to an end my body is feeling stronger and more capable of doing what I could prior the crash.
So with all the small positive notes and progresses I am looking forward to travel to Les Gets for next weekend. I really hope I will be ready for it. At least I'm doing my best at staying calm, train smart and being resilient.

If I want to be resilient in this situation, I have to roll back the super-hero-I-can-do-everything feeling, I think.

/Malene

Thanks for reading and supporting me, even in the bad times.

P.s my Boyfriend Loic just won the DH world cup in Andorra today. This made my weekend, just wow.

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